


In Which Phil Coulson Wonders What He Did to Deserve This Part 2

by mage_girl



Series: Phil Coulson does not deserve this [2]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Leave Henrietta alone! Coffee makes it all better It's a Stark world after all!, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-26
Updated: 2012-09-26
Packaged: 2017-11-15 02:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/522105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_girl/pseuds/mage_girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil just wants a cup of coffee. Is that too much to ask?</p><p>Apparently so. Especially when Tony is involved. And Thor. And coffee crystals.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Phil Coulson Wonders What He Did to Deserve This Part 2

**Author's Note:**

> More fluffiness for you!
> 
> Mad thanks to Aphrodite_mine for her beta skills. 
> 
> Sorry it's been so long since my last story...school and other Matters have had me confuzzled but it's getting better!
> 
> Enjoy!

It had been a hard day and all Phil wanted was a cup of coffee. 

He’d been thinking of getting back to the tower, grabbing his special coffee mug from the cupboard (Mischief Managed), and pouring himself a strong cup of joe. It was one of the perks of living at the tower. Tony liked to have the best and the best included coffee beans that Phil couldn’t justify buying himself; and since it was always on hand at the tower, he no longer needed to. Those beans from Africa were pretty spendy and while he supported fair trade coffee and all, he wasn’t made of money. Tony didn’t have a problem with buying fair trade coffee beans that could be ground as needed so there was always enough around in a special container. Phil just put some in the grinder, then into the filter, and wait a little while until he had heaven in a cup. Simple.

He entered the kitchen with a smile on his face that faltered when he saw Tony bent over the breakfast bar, a small screwdriver clenched between his teeth, and various tools laid out over the countertop.

Next to him, Steve Rogers was sitting on a stool, his eyes intent on what Tony was doing. And next to Steve was Clint, who had taken two of Tony’s tools and was drumming them slightly off sync on the breakfast bar.

Thor was leaning against the fridge, his arms folded with a look of, ‘it wasn’t me’ on his face.

Phil sighed. Of course it was Thor.

‘No coffee?’ he asked.

Thor jerked upright, his face that of misery and guilt. He looked like a puppy who had peed on the rug, chewed Phil’s leather shoe, and barfed up the leather in said remains some time later.

‘I...I apologize, Son of Coul. Tony had told me that this machine,’ and here he paused to scowl at the coffee machine, ‘would brew me a cup of coffee. I had bought some coffee at the corner store and put it into the machine like Clint taught me.’ 

At this point, Clint nodded his head solemnly but ruined it by snickering into his hand. He yelped when Steve cuffed him on the back of the head.

‘Go on,’ encouraged Phil, seeing that Steve had discipline well in hand.

‘So I told it to make the coffee and it refused. Refused to make me, Thor Odinson, a cup of coffee with what I provided. I argued with it, said that its duty is to perform as instructed, that making coffee is its task. It told me to...’ and here Thor turned red.

‘It talks?’ asked Phil. He shook his head. ‘Never mind. Of course, this is Tony Stark’s tower. Everything talks in Tony Stark’s tower. It’s like a mechanical Disney World come to life. It’s a Stark world, after all!’ 

Clint set down his impromptu drumsticks and stared at him. ‘I think you’ve been caffeine deprived. Are you feverish?’

Jarvis spoke up, making everyone twitch only slightly; they were getting used to having the seemingly omnipresent AI talk to them when he felt like commenting on their conversations. ‘Perhaps you should take your temperature, Agent Coulson. You don’t want to get sick.’

‘I’m not feverish. It just doesn’t surprise me that there is yet another machine that talks to me. No offense, Jarvis. I don’t consider you a machine. You are, well, a person to me who is very helpful in many ways. Like informing me of the weather when I’m standing in the shower. It helps me plan out what I’m going to wear.’

‘No offense taken, Agent Coulson. I do understand that it does get a little...perturbed around here at times,’ said Jarvis, generously.

‘Thank you, Jarvis, and that’s an excellent point. I have a toaster oven that tells me how to make my bagels. I have a TV that tells me that I’ve watched too many episodes of ‘Supernanny’ in one sitting and would I like to watch something else instead. No, having a coffee machine that talks is just another part of my life here. I should be lucky this isn’t one of those reality shows,’ he muttered. He stared at the coffee machine. ‘And I’m not surprised that the coffee machine talks. It’s just another thing, that’s all.’

Tony took the screwdriver out of his mouth, made a few adjustments to the coffee machine, and said, ‘No one would believe the life we live. They’d think this was one huge government conspiracy to make us look like the Derpvengers.’

Clint laughed. ‘Derp a derp!’ he trilled, his eyes sparkling with amusement.

‘How long until I could get a cup of coffee, Stark?’ asked Phil.

‘Well, Agent...as soon as I do...this,’ and Tony pressed the on button.

‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ said Coulson, who just wanted a cup of coffee.

‘Trust me,’ said Tony with a smirk as he waited for the coffee machine to cycle on.

‘Leave Henrietta alone!’ shrieked the machine as it skidded as far back as its cord would allow.

‘Oh for--ow!’ yelped Tony as he went to turn off the machine and it sparked at him.

‘I have had enough of this. I am a good machine. I make coffee that is rich, delicious, and good to the last drop. I do a mean cappucino and latte. I am available at all hours of the night and I have put up with a large green creature mashing my buttons and a blond man who speaks incoherently about the wonders of the java bean. I will be treated with respect!’ the coffee machine, Henrietta, snapped.

Tony groaned. ‘A sentient coffee machine. How did this happen, again?’

‘Because you’re Tony Stark? Because you can’t resist ‘tinkering’ with your creations? Because you thought it would be a fine idea to install a little AI into it because it didn’t occur to you that perhaps having Jarvis and You and Dummy and Butterfingers is more than enough personality. Now we have...um...Henrietta?’ asked Steve to the coffee maker who hummed in appreciation.

‘I will have you know that I am not an ‘it’. I am a beautiful gleaming woman of a machine who whips up a mean coffee. That is *not*, I stress, freeze dried or any of that cheap pre ground abomination that somebody thinks can go inside of me. I am a she, I am Henrietta and I can brew you a fine cup of brew, mister,’ cooed Henrietta, sliding across the counter to nudge Steve’s arm.

Coulson took a closer look at Henrietta. He noted the small camera that would give her ‘sight’ and saw little tiny wheels on the bottom. He sighed. Tony just couldn’t leave well enough alone.

Steve blinked down at the coffee machine and smiled. ‘I bet you can make me the best cup in town,’ he said, petting the top of her filter container.

Clint looped an arm over Steve’s shoulder and said, ‘So, no more freeze dried, Henrietta? Only the finest of beans will do?’

‘Indeed. And I can make you whatever coffee drink you desire. You should see what I can do with Kona beans, freshly ground,’ purred Henrietta.

‘Oh, don’t encourage her! She’s going to be a little diva!’ groaned Tony.

Clint laughed. ‘I like her, Stark. She has ‘tude. C’mon, Thor, use your charm and wiles on her. You can sweet talk her into making us coffee.’

Tony shook his head, putting his tools away. ‘If you think you can handle her, Clint, you’re welcome to her. I’m not the one who’s been buying the sacrilegious beans, pal.’

Clint ignored Tony and leaned forward to study Henrietta closer. ‘Hey...let’s talk about those cappucinos for a little while.’

‘What does a man have to do to get some coffee around here?’ interrupted Coulson, beyond exasperated.

‘Let me try,’ said Thor. He leaned on the counter and grinned at the coffee maker. ‘Hail, little friend! You have brewed me many a pleasant cup of contentment when I needed it the most. I am most glad you are able to communicate with me as I now know that my coffee will be perked to the right degree of heartiness.’

‘Heartiness?’ repeated Clint, snickering.

Thor shot Clint a narrow eyed look. ‘Do not interfere in the discussion of coffee as it is the bean of plenty, young archer. And yonder S.H.I.E.L.D. mate has the look of a man who is desperate for a cup of brew.’

Clint turned to gaze at Coulson for a long moment. He turned back to Thor. ‘So...heartiness.’

‘Indeed! A warrior such as the Son of Coul needs the strongest of beans to power him through his day. It is his due as he’s earned the right to a cup that would wake up the deepest of sleepers. And I apologize, little friend, for I did not realize that coffee crystals would offend you so deeply,’ added Thor.

‘The finest of coffee beans shall be put into me and I shall make a cup of wonders,’ promised Henrietta. ‘No more of that freeze dried business. It mucks up my tubes and my gears get all grimy.’

‘Fair enough, coffee maiden. I shall never bring that foulness into the kitchen again,’ promised Thor. ‘But now, we have some beans from the hills of Africa. Will that suit?’ he asked.

Henrietta quivered. ‘Yes, yes, that will do! Grind them and bring them to me. Pour a fair portion in and I will have coffee ready in a moment.’

Thor got the beans out, ground them in the grinder, and scooped out enough for a small pot. He carefully put a filter in and then put the ground beans in with steady hands. 

Henrietta hummed as the filtered water was poured in the side and then she tilted slightly to look at Phil. ‘Are you the young man who wants some of this fine java?’ she chirped, sounding like a flirtatious waitress at a greasy spoon.

Phil couldn’t help but grin. ‘Yeah, that would be me, ma’am,’ he responded.

‘Ma’am.’ Henrietta’s voice was amused. ‘Call me Henrietta. That will do.’

After a little bit, the coffee poured through into the coffee pot and Thor fidgeted until Henrietta said, ‘All right, then. Why don’t you fetch the young man his coffee cup and we’ll get this sorted out.’

Coulson turned pink as Thor went to the cupboard, took his cup down (with a grin) and also a cup for Steve, Clint, Tony, and himself. Thor then set the cups down on the table and poured coffee into each, his concentration as focused as he was during battle.

When Phil received his cup, he took a deep swallow, wincing at the burn but relishing the taste of the coffee. 

‘Ahhh...this is what I’ve waited for,’ he murmured, his eyes closed in bliss.

Steve sipped his coffee, grimaced, then added sugar.

Tony smirked as he drank his as is.

Clint added sugar as well, then, in his usual act of ‘fuck you, Stark,’ also added a liberal helping of cream. 

After taking a cautious sip, Thor opted to add cream and sugar in his, in such generous amounts it was debatable it was even coffee anymore, and would better qualify as dessert instead.

There was silence and Phil continued to drink his coffee, enjoying each sip.

He thought that life wasn’t too bad after all. He had coffee, he had quiet, he deserved this moment in time and he was going to relish it. He knew it wouldn’t last.

It lasted exactly ten minutes and then the peace and quiet was ruined when the Hulk crashed through the kitchen, arms flailing. 

‘What the--??!!’ cried Clint as the Hulk skidded across the floor, grabbing onto the breakfast bar for dear life. It shook slightly but didn’t fall over.

Henrietta shrieked. 

The Hulk, startled, roared.

‘Whoa whoa whoa! What happened?’ asked Coulson, holding onto his coffee mug with both hands.

‘Hulk not want to do tae bo anymore. Hulk’s thighs hurt. Natasha said it would help keep Hulk calm but Hulk not calm; Hulk want to smash puny human with wooden stick who says to move faster. Hulk wants coffee now.’ Hulk leaned down towards Henrietta who scooted back.

‘Whoa, big fella! That’s a little too close and personal and the last time you touched my buttons, I was sore for a week. Tell me what you want and I can make it for you,’ said Henrietta.

Coulson sighed as Clint slid off the stool, laughing hysterically. The Hulk looked at Clint, then picked him up with one hand, Clint struggling like a kitten in its mother’s mouth, and put him back on the stool. Clint leaned against Steve, still giggling.

‘Uh...latte with double shot espresso?’ asked the Hulk, wrinkling his brow at the coffee machine.

‘You’ve got it, hon,’ purred Henrietta. A moment later, the double shot latte was ready to go in a mug that Thor had thoughtfully provided for the Hulk.

A moment after that, the Hulk sipped at his drink, rolling his eyes up in ecstasy. 

A few moments after that, as quiet reigned supreme in the kitchen again, the Hulk turned back into an embarrassed Bruce Banner who clutched the mug in front of his privates.

Thor went into the living room and grabbed the blanket from the couch which Bruce thankfully took from him and wrapped around his middle.

Bruce took another sip from his coffee mug and smiled, looking much happier.

‘Ah, coffee amongst friends. There is nothing else like it,’ exclaimed Thor as he took a noisy slurp from his coffee cup.

Phil smiled. Life with the Avengers was never boring but he wouldn’t have asked for anything different. He deserved to have the good times--and he looked over at Clint who smiled at him--and he could deal with the bad. 

He didn’t wonder what he did to deserve this. He just decided to enjoy it.


End file.
